Soul

...its been quite a while since that day, but i still want to say this...to record it in a flawless memory...he replied to one of my offline messages that day...he's been busy...im so happy...even if it is just one sentence. i am glad he hasn't forgotten me...the other him is leaving too...he just visited for around a month...he told me yesterday. he is leaving this sunday...owellz...had a feeling anyways, i wont bother to break my heart again...its the emptiness i fear...the other day, i was bored so i checked my email...the question stumped me...what do you fear? i couldnt think of anything at that time...but now, i realize...it is this loneliness i fear. i am afraid of being forgotten..i wish to stay in everyone's memory for a lifetime...nobody remembers who i am....or some dont even know me...i still feel empty...but he has regained me some of my emotions...i chatted with...haha...how many hims will i ever talk about? this is my ex-crush...last year...the incident id rather forget...its so sad...he said that i was better off with him...but....too bad he left for korea early....he knew this for a long time...its...sad....my life...does god not want me to be happy? maybe he sees this darkness inside me, and is trying to stop my plans....what a genius...party pooper....im sad.....so empty...my sarcasm...is lame and what now? nobody cares to know me...i am just a face in the hallway.

Realization

ok...ok...i get it. haha. i am just....there...right? i dont really exist in your world...right? i can comment on yours. you ignore mine. i try to make you happy. you just consume that feeling. i can be such a great actor...lying to everyone...pretending to be happy when i am just a deep black hole..i know i wrote a lot today. but i just forgot to add something to the previous post. i am tired....used.....

such a sensitive little bitch. just because he reminds you of someone that was mean to you before does not give you the right to draw attention to youself. its just one of your little schemes eh? to. cry...in front of the class..make people worry....other's have had worse you selfish pig. have you ever felt, that everyone hates you? nobody is on your side? they all just lost they pity for humanity and teamed up against you? i doubt it. youve had too good a life to feel that. always popular. no wonder your spoiled. and how many fucking times do i have to tell you, im not 'rich' my family just barely makes it past...my 'dear' father spends all his money on buying expensive watches that nobody will ever wear or can even be passed down. who the hell changes watches that look the same?!

i hate it......i hate how you have fucking messed up my life....i can never get the attention, you spoiled yourself. being so uptight...not even letting people have thier way. i can list a bunch of reasons why i hate you. you want it? i bet you do. you just cant wait to find a reason to hate me.

-you copy my homework
-you beg for help when you treat others badly
-you cut and is very competitive
-you swear in public without shame..even at minute things. like 'screw you' for some little thing i did.
-you use people, make them buy you things
-you want all the attention to yourself
-you treat others rough but do not allow others to treat you the same way
-selfish...
-repeating yourself..i hate that.

so far. i can only think of those. i wonder what other mistakes you can make.

Insanity

have you ever talked to yourself? and had someone overhear? they look at you weird and you feel embarassed. its the talking to myself part that i can totally relate to...i dont care to think anyone would ever read this. therefore, it shall become the diary of my deepest thoughts.....but sooner or later, someone will discover all of my feelings and turn it against me. but what do i have to lose? i still feel useless..no matter what happens. i hate it. please. i hope my someone will come sooner and save me from this endless pit of despair.
i feel so sad....the feeling is so deep, i cannot find a fitting word...a dull pain in my chest. today, a major mood swing at school today... if only they knew. my past. so horrible. unjust bullying. cannot compare to anything they have ever felt. i.....am at loss for words. please. i am crying silent tears...but they are really not there. my pain....i cannot cry...save me.

Empty

<= i want to be like them...to sing..and to travel...if only i could...




...last night, i realized that i was just an empty shell. all of my tears cried dry. when i thought of all the sad things in my life, i couldnt even shed a tear. but there was this ache in my chest i couldnt ignore. it hurt so much to think...and i couldnt find the note he gave me...the one with 'when you need me by your side, remember that this note will be there' haha. he changed the words from 'when you need someone by your side, remember that i will be there' but since he couldnt, he just had to be cute and change it. haa....cant even laugh now....what is with me. when i am with my friends, i feel happy, but once i am left on my own accord, this mask falls over my face, numbing my emotions...i dont have anything that could give me a future. all of my friends are better off than me because they have something i dont have, skills.........i gave up piano...i gave up ballet, street dancing, and tap dancing....sure, i can draw. but i can never compare it to my friend's...what is this feeling? i am left out...


my friends talk about thier skills and say they are not good enough...i hate it. they just give it up...when they have something so precious....i was thinking of my career...i want to be a fashion designer, model, architect, or even a singer....but.....i gave up all of those skills when i was young. how foolish am i...and now. i want to learn japanese, but haa....how ironic...i gave that up too.


my future is currently a big black hole...a useless puppet who cut its own strings. suicide but not quite. just lost its soul...now an empty shell...looking at the world through glass windows. but does not have the power to do anything...


who am i? i do not even recognize this face in the mirror...i am never completely satisfied with myself...i wonder.....

Never would have thought..

haha. yea...i know. major mood swings. i am bored...i went to look for more cute pixels today. to add to my collection...that bored. nobody talks to me on msn live messenger. he isnt online...ever....anyways. im being a retard...i honestly need to get over this....T^T meh....at least i updated....so rare...owellz. i. am. so. freaking. bored. at school...nothing to look forward. @_@ meeeh. aish...i have a depressing life. =3=

chinese new year is approaching. not going to go anywhere...hoping to go on a shopping spree with my bf's to xi men ding. yea. thats romanized chinese. im chinese. and i went to school in the states...tmi? maybe. but who cares. looking at the comments, no one is looking at this anyways. owellz. im going to go check out my friends blog now. ttyl~

Emotionless

I want people to understand that just because I am "acting cold" or ignoring someone, does not mean that I hate them or feel angry. I am too tired to show any emotion and it pisses me off when they just walk away feeling angry without even understanding the whole situation.
I also really hate it when people dont want me to do something, such as talking about DBSK, even when i feel as if i do not talk about them 24/7. but why can they talk about it and brag about it. and share things about them when i cant? they are backstabbers, hypocrytes. and you know who i am talking about. do not just think that everything about you is perfect. you are not. stop repeating yourself like this self crazy moron who has short term memory. it pisses me off when you treat me like one of you popular friends you used to hang out with, who just happen to have amnesia as well, so they do not really care if you repeat the same sentence the whole day like a broken fucking record.
you say,'oh my god' everytime i say,'i want to show you something, its really funny!' why do i have to persuade you to watch it, and you turn away uninterested in the middle, when you have not really seen what i find amusing, and you say to me. that is retarded. and assume that they are all retards not worth your attention. fuck you. show me gazzettE on monday again and i swear, i will make you feel what i feel whenever i want to show you something. yes, i am talking to you. (not you smile eidolon. you dont do that.)

I hate my love life

honestly? i dont have one. but it is my goal to try. at least. even when i am too young to have one. oh. go on. laugh at my immaturity. haha. however, i like to consider myself as an evil mastermind. a little like kyouya in Ouran High School. otherwise known as the shadow king. haha. how manipulative. i know i am~ anyways. people sometimes accuse me of being too obvious. i find it annoying how they critiscise me while they themselves have a worse attempt than i. i am actually succeeding. succeeded.....he left for korea because of his dad. owellz. and i was having so much fun.

you will find that over the next few posts, you will realize that i am evil. yes. completely evil. i will proclaim to the world of my insanity and laugh at people who trip over banana peals...and did you notice my randomness? yes. an imperfect aspect of me that i am completely proud of. go on. laugh at my stupidity.

sigh........what an imperfect world. i need to broaden my vocabulary. sigh. such limited words i can use to describe myself and my thoughts.

i will continue this post another day. goodbye for now.

First post~!

yay~ beware of randomness to all of my readers....er. reading this at the current moment. first post. new to me, gonna try to keep this as a routine..(posting often...) anyways. i just want you ppl to know some stuffz about me. im chinese...and proud of it. even though i like the US so much better since i grew up there. *note the perfect english* (im just too lazy to have correct spelling and grammer cuz. wtf. its online anyways. if i have to type properly online as well, the wtf...might as well hang myself right now) ok. so....i really like manga, anime. i know a lot. but just too lazy to list it out. bands i like. eh. definitely DBSK. love the song "Hug" (jae joong looks so hot in the mv) and their dramas..especially "dangerous love" i love the part in the fanfic where jj is against the phone booth. (im a sadist) >D lol. so cute. im ur typical fangirl but i try not to be cuz some fangirls are just plain violent and not nice. (thought im not saying that im not. im not perfect. note the tainted) lol. ok...im rambling. didnt i warn you?

ok.

I LOVE HORROR MOVIES!!! i like screaming. makes me feel refreshed. dunno why lol. i over-react and when im hyper, i talk 100 words per second. just elaborating.

i really really love linkin park....marilyn manson...just not his mv's..the lyrics? love it. anyways....also...hmm wat else...omfg. how could i forget. GACKT. my friend gave me the gackt fan disease *glares at person held responsible*

meh...cough...anyways.....moving on. i love to collect and save 100 by 100 avatars. i have a million of them in my computer. i am a drawing freak. still trying to improve. my other friend. (who is not responsible for passing on the Gackt fan disease) is a great artist. i totally envy her and i am also learning from her.

lalala. i am an evil mastermind. hahaha. watch out....well, only for my classmates. ppl call me emo. i kick them. they deserve to die cuz i hate labels. they are not nice and a person can be more than that. ok..geez. long post. sigh.i would love to have you all comment ^^ and dbsk fans out there, add me as a friend onegaishimas~ ^^ (i speak a little japanese but yea, i know DBSK is a korean boy band. but who the hell cares.)

thats about me. any more questions? love to answer them for u ppl to know more about me. and i will keep u ppl updated on my life, my thoughts and my love.