I Am...

Just an average person.

With dreams and fears. I'm not perfect, as much as I try to be.

I still have school, friends, and SAT's to worry about.

I lack in so many areas, so I try to find a way to make up for it. When my heart was broken to pieces, over and over again, I vowed to have revenge for the pain I suffered.

My docile appearance is only a mask.

Underneath this facade, I'm waiting. My tail twitching with anticipation. I wait for some unfortunate soul to fall into my trap. Then tear the beating organ to pieces. At that moment, I feel exhilaration, a sense of completion. I'm addicted to the feeling.

私は－最低。

-Tainted[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big BangDO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

Grow Up.

Looking back, it's kind of a shock how much we've all been through.
I was thinking of deleting this blog, but...after I read through all the posts from the past...I decided to keep it.
Ironically, as much as I hate everything in this blog, I'm glad I wrote in it...It serves as a reminder of how much we've all changed--something like a documentary? "The diary of a deprived only-daughter." Pfft.
Growing up.
Now I'm going to be junior, after this summer...
The SAT preps sure aren't helping soothe this feeling I have, like I'm running out of time.
AP classes, essays, driving, sweet sixteen's, responsibility...
Heck, I feel like I'm not ready for all that yet.
People ask me "What grade are you in? 7th grade?" and they are SO suprised when I say "Oh, no...I'm actually going to be a junior."
Now, I know I have a late birthday, but 7th grade? Really? Isn't that a bit too much?
Not just one person has said that to me, by the way. Pretty much every person who's asked me reacts that way.

Anyways...I said I'd move on...and I'm trying my best. But I say, keeping things inside will only gather and form a big ugly ball of frustration, so I've decided to find another outlet. Nobody visits this blog much anyways, so I won't update this one as much. For those who still care and bother to read this...I have a few things to say to you...
"Thank you...but what the hell are you doing? Oo"

So...anybody up for a game of treasure hunt?
Clue: The first post in my new outlet will contain the phrase "最低". And if you know how to say my last name in japanese, it'll help a lot :)

Oh, by the way. I'll be deleting the Project. Hope you guys don't mind. It doesn't really hold true anymore, does it? Everybody abandoned it right after it served it's academic purposes anyways.

-Tainted[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big BangDO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

2010

let's just say i want to start all over now :)

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

Determination

And so the sun sets again at the end of the day
The world sleeps it's worries away
And no matter what you say
Things will always stay that way
So just give up
Let go
Don't think about it again
Time is ticking to the final hour
Where your hopes and dreams crumble
This is your last chance
To make everything alright

Wipe your tears away
It's no use to cry
Shoulders back
Head held high
Walk towards the future
Never looking back at--
Whatever made you mad
Whatever made you sad
Whatever made you regret
And live your life to the fullest

Another random drabble by moi because i just don't have anything to do...= = *sigh*

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

.:Wretch:.

lalala so now, ive also made a wretch account
i might not update too often, but you will soon notice the idfferent styles
this is more of my personal thoughts
the other one is more on the surface--a bouncy cheerful girl
basically, your typical hyper girl in high school = =
so yea.
check it out:
Click Me~!!

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

This feeling...

Its like im worth nothing
Its like i shouldnt have been born
Its like i dont belong here
Its like im better off dead
Its like the feeling of the air in my hair
Its like the feeling of exhilaration when you jump
Its like the feeling much better than what i feel right now
So just step on the ledge and let everything go
The feeling of flying, even if for only a few seconds before i die would make up for everything
There are only a few things holding me back
What is it like?
I definitely wont be going to Heaven, suicide is breaking one of the 10 commandments
I don't feel like going to Hell
So i wonder if they have music in Limbo?
Or maybe my ipod would just be wasted away in this world worn away by time
The stillness of the air
The feeling of being so alone, so truly alone
Would i go insane from this sensation?

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

!Sunset Glow!

i shout out loud but only that unanswerable sunset is burning bright
the sun rises, the sun sets, i become saddened by the sunset glow
the moon rises, the moon sets, i become dull too, as time passes by

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

.:Shattered:.

i don't have a heart
i guess i lost it a long time ago
now i feel nothing for this world
no attachments
so lets just live the best, and maybe
i can feel a flicker of satisfaction before i die
because
my heart has been broken numerous times
i've decided to lock my feelings away
that is my fail proof plan
of keeping my poor heart safe
because
all the king's horses and all the king's men
couldn't put even humpty dumpty back together again
much less, my shattered heart.
so just let me be
and go your own way
don't think that i'm the only person in this world
for you
so please
don't chain yourself to me
i don't want to walk away
with this guilt dragging me to the bottom of the pool
because it will just slow me down
and i am afraid that one day
the past will catch up with me
and i won't be able to stand...anymore.

i don't want to be bound by anything
i don't want to be chained to this world
i want to fly into the sky
i want to fly towards my dream
lose all attachments
so you can truly be free
let nobody keep you
from what you really want
be like a stray cat
nobody can control you
you direct your own life
taking and giving as you choose
so you can survive
its impossible to be tamed...
so lets just leave it that way
because i belong to no one

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

I've Got A Pain In My Sawdust

lovely lyrics inspired from CSI: The miniature killer

Verse 1:
A little bisque doll and a little rag doll /
And a dolly imported from France /
Were sitting one day on the shelf of the store /
With a doll that could wind up and dance /
When all of a sudden, the shopkeeper heard /
A scream that rang out thro' the store /
And this was the plaint of the little bisque doll /
That made such an awful uproar
Chorus:
I've got a pain in my sawdust /
That's what's the matter with me /
Something is wrong with my little inside/
I'm just as sick as can be /
Don't let me faint, someone get me a fan /
Someone else run for the medicine man /
Ev'ryone hurry as fast as you can /
I've got a pain in my sawdust
Verse 2:
They took her away in a hospital van /
And the whole town was filled with the blues /
For ev'ryone thought it was quite an odd thing /
And the papers all printed the news /
The surgeons looked wise and they all shook their heads /
And asked her just where she was sick /
"I think it's 'appendi-sawdust'!", she exclaimed /
"And won't you please do something quick?"
Chorus Repeat
Verse 3:
Oh, sad was the day for the little bisque doll /
For they cut all her stitches away /
and found the seat of the terrible ache /
"'Twas a delicate task," they all say /
For none of the surgeons had ever before /
Performed on a dolly's inside /
They tried to re-stuff her but didn't know how /
And this was her wail as she died
Chorus Repeat (spoken, expressively)
"Funeral March" bridge
Sung:
She had a pain in her sawdust.

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

Smile like Broken Glass

She feels so distant, so apart from this world
While the everybody is laughing, she is silently crying
If you ever ask, she will answer with that smile
That smile like broken glass
Don't touch her, or you'll bleed
You'll be sucked into that black abyss
Its a whole different dimension
Don't try to understand it
Just pity her and let her be
She's on the outside looking in.

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

Dead Doll

Like the dead doll lying in the corner of your mind.
Im wasted away
The long forgotten memories
Its all in the past
So am I the only one who hasnt moved on yet?
You say everyone has changed so much
But has it ever occured to you
that you are the person that has changed the most?
I should be saying that
Its not fair


How come you can act so lost
How come nobody looks at you with disgust when you say that
How come Im the person everybody cant hear
How come Im the person in the corner
How come you can complain about your freedom when you have so much more than me?
How come people notice you not me?
How come people still listen to you- no matter how much more morbid you are than me?
How come I have to try so hard to fit in?
How come-
Im going off topic?
anyways
what I mean is-
my two closest friends
have gotten boy friends
and even though I understand that you can't always talk to me 24/7, but
please, Im a person and I still need people to talk to me
I still need friends
I still need someone to talk to
I still need

Its all a lie.

-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

Year 09'

Well, ladies and gentleman,

Finally, another year has come and gone. Another year of my life has flown across my eyes. Before I realized it, year 2009 will be rocking the stage for 365 more days. I'm all grown up. High school and worried about exams, PSAT, SAT, not to mention colleges. However, I feel alien to this world suddenly. Everything is so unfamiliar, I don't even know who I am anymore. So many things have changed...By the way, congratulations on Josie for her first relationship, and congratulations to Jackie for maintaining such a great relationship. Wish you both the best.




And then there is me.

Everything is in the past and I think its all about my personality...its just not me...and I don't know how to become me again. My grades are failing. My friends don't really feel like friends, just a circle of people I hang with by instinct and treat nicely. My parents fight often and pressure me constantly about my college and GPA...It feels like a completely different universe out there. It is literally turning over a fresh new leaf. Just...not as pretty as a 'fresh new leaf' should be.

Somehow, I have a bad feeling about 2009. Yea, I know. It's high school, man!! Everything is so much more exciting!!! *insert crazily happy smiley face* You get to have more freedom!! AND. you get to have boyfriends!! *insert yet another crazily happy smiley face*

Yea, right. As if I could afford to bother about that. I don't even like anyone now, how 'bout that!?

Let's just say for the time being that. I won't be applying for a Taiwan university because of my horrible chinese. I'll leave the rest up to your brain-power.
-Tainted
[GD+TOP:scream (ay) to that high sky (eh) to this wide world (eh) DO YOU REMEMBER]-Remember by Big Bang
DO YOU REMEMBER::THE TIMES WE'VE LAUGHED, THE TEARS WE'VE SHED, THE LOVE IN THIS WORLD, WASTED AWAY.[Tainted]

The Confession

Well, obviously things didn't go well. It's life. Didn't expect it to, anyways.
But the truth still sorta hurt. even though i try to be strong, theres an ache when I think about it.
Thanks to jackie and josie for being so supportive and understanding.
Thanks to everyone else who gave me support!! Much appreciated to know that this world isnt a complete shithole--tehe [from sweeney todd], there are still pieces of heaven fallen from the sky out there ^^
so thats the end of another failed fairy tale.
wonder when the next one will come out?
tomorrow? next week? month? year?
its roulette, baby.

-Tainted

maybe i should write a story about all this Oo hmm....what do you think? post it as fanfiction format and change all the character. ._. wow. that sounds crazy and great at the same time XD

Happy Birthday, anyone?

I have such great friends. I really love you guys.
Thank you so much for making my birthday a truly happy one in years.
I am suprised by the number of people who said happy birthday to me.
I'm really glad I made so many wonderful friends this year.
I will cherish these memories forever.
I really love all your gifts~ ;) but thats not it
friendship really means a lot to me- because of me being a dog[even tho i seem more like a cat] and an only child
I am so happy to be able to have friends like you.
Here's a shoutout to all my friends:
Josephine:thanks for being my best friend and sticking with me no matter how emo or bitchy i become.
Jackie:lol@ur randomness. hope ur luv life goes smoothly no matter what other ppl say about it...including me. ._.
Teddy bear:gee- thanks for being my first bro. XD gave me lotsa support. i wish i had a real brother like u XD but unfortunately i dont, so thanks for being there.
Kevin:hehe. even tho ur annoying and sick as hell, i cant help but be glad i asked u to be my second bro...even tho ur still not as nice as teddy but haha.thanks.
Emily:you have been my friend since the first day i came here. i must thank you for making me happy and see things from a brighter light. ur like my mom XD hahahaha jkjk. thanks for helping me and being there all these years. geez. i feel old.
Sydney:thanks. ur so hyper no matter what. so thanks for making my day bright.
Pearl:even tho ur here, ur still so cute. >w< and hyper. i appreciate it.XD
Sonnia:ur cool. love ur piano skillz. wonder if u can be my teacher. even tho the year just started, ur a great friend. yay for free/pe buddies~~ XD oh yea. i dont hav pierced ears....but owell XD i dont hafta hav earrings, but thanks for buying it anyways. its the thought that counts, right? ^^
Paul:wow. i cant believe im writing this...even tho u wont see it...i think not. but still. thanks for remembering my birthday and keeping ur promise. means a lot to me ^^

aah i needa hurry with this. so sleepy. 40 min. till the end of my birthday. so at that note, i will end my post. luv u all~<3

-Tainted

Hana ni Arashi

"when the flower blooms, the storm comes over"
for the first time in my life. reality hits me harder than ever
i realize now...larger than life that-
i don't really belong anywhere.
it has become a pattern that-
i welcome a new friend into our circle.
at first im their closest friend
and slowly, they are more and more distant
and i see them somewhere else
only talking to say 'hi'
now..i think i might as well say 'bye' because i don't really belong anywhere.
not in the states, not here. because my best friend is taken and gone elsewhere.
so I ask you. where am I in this picture?
and the old memories pierce my heart.
Everything seemed too good to be real.
and I was right.
i feel as if there is no deep relationship between my friends and I except to rant on someone.
its all just surface feelings.
which brings me to my new discussion topic.
miss A and mister B? together?
ew.
seriously...
too old, too young, too quick, too inexperienced, too player, too flirty, too revengeful. those apply to either one or the other of this pairing. am i right or what?
-Tainted
oh god i sound so emo. lalalalalaa. but seriously. if you were me, u'd feel that way too.

mmm..nonono

you got it all wrong, dear.
thats wat i mean
im ignored
you didnt even mention the part above. or are you avoiding it?
im not trying to pick a fight
but im just saying...people leave out things..and that makes things different
who said i was talking about you, anyway?
im talking about everyone cept for pearl and kev.
no..im sure im not assuming im being ignored
ur assuming that im assuming that i am being ignored
how funny is that?
because i KNOW im being ignored...
not necessarily intentional...
but that says a lot about my impact on everyone else's lives.
and no thanks
i dont need ur apology.
but thanks anyways.
dont always assume im talking about you here. ^^ just to lighten things.
oh yea.
i said that i know how it feels..blah blah blah...as a response to your statement before during the friday we stayed after to watch the sports.
of course i know you know how it feels.
thats cuz i remember what you say, cuz i always listen closely. ^^

-Tainted

Nobody's Listening-Linkin Park

(Tried to give you warning but everyone ignores me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)
(Called to you so clearly but you
don’t want to hear me)
Told you everything loud and clear
(But nobody’s listening)

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Head full of anger, held in my chest
And everything left’s a waste of time
I hate my rhymes, but hate everyone else’s more
I’m riding on the back of this pressure
Guessing that it’s better I
can’t keep myself together
Because all of this stress gave
me something to write on
The pain gave me something I could set my sights on
Never forget the blood sweat and tears
The uphill struggle over years the fear and
Trash talking and the people it was to
And the people that started it just like you

these are part of the lyrics of Nobody's Listening-Linkin Park
...
if anyone actually gets why i suddenly posted lyrics from Linkin Parks latest album...
then good for you.
you actually pay attention.
For those unfortunate souls that miss me,
the answer is in those lyrics right there.
i actually understand how good it feels like to say 'bye..im going'
and actually have someone respond.
or how happy you feel when someone cares about you.
and when you suddenly walk away, and ask-
'where are you going?'
im not really there, am i?
thank you, to pearl and kevin for being such good friends~ ^^
although sometimes i dont know what to think about you guys. = =

-Tainted

im ur # 1

♪boy i love your style, love your smile
wish that you can be only mine, be only mine
i can’t let it go, i don’t know what you’ve doing to me
ooh you’re so fine, ooh you’re so fine♪
Yea. i really hate it when i cant get over someone. i mean, really. its depressing. anyways
thats part of the lyrics to Big Bang's newest title song in Japan. Number 1.
Big Bang Fighting!!
lol
that was a short post. i know i havent been posting often but i will! just on project spazz right now. @-@ gah overwhelmed by projects. = =
-Tainted

Best Friends [its a promise not a label]

I don’t know what happened.
But I do know that-
We aren’t like how we used to be
I feel there is something between us
A wall-
We aren’t like the best friends we used to be
I miss that
It’s a promise not a label but why do I feel like
-one of us broke the promise?
Im really sad
This shouldn’t be happening
But I don’t know how to fix this mistake
No matter who made it
I don’t understand either
Is it because of the new students?
That you’ve been further from me?
We don’t have a lot to talk about now
The other day u went looking for him
And left me in the library
All that seems to be on your mind lately is him
I know may seem like that lately
but its just on [a]im
I confess part of what I feel is jealousy
But
I had always thought, friends before boys
Its ok
I might be looking at this from the wrong direction
Its ok
I don’t need you to clarify
All I want is for us to be like how it used to be
Inseperable best friends
I don’t see you often now
You are always talking so happily with some other person
Me forced to be talking to the others as well
When you look at me, it feels like you have a barrier in your mind
I can’t tell what ur thinking
When you smile at me
Im offended
Because
You are smiling your fake smile.
I can tell
And that makes me sad
What im trying to say is not your happiness that bothers me
Its just that
I don’t seem to be the one and only
You have no need of me
Because
There is always someone else to take my place
Im not special
I realize that
Because
I don’t have any special skills to show off
Im just the person that criticizes you
And the person who understands you. Second best
Im the person who is not really the only random person
Because
There will always be someone better than me
Am I still your best friend?
Or am I now a friend in the hallway you say hi to?
Maybe
I shouldn’t do all this anymore
And what you want to tell me
Is that
Maybe im too attached
I think
I should just back off and give you more room now
I just hope you remember that for me
A best friend is always a best friend
No matter what happens
Because-
my fucked up ‘loyalty
keeps me from finding a better you
just because
I really cant
Even if I weren’t so loyal
You’ve been a great friend
I hope to see you soon
The real you, that is.

-Tainted

ps: i wrote this on the morning of 9/18 on the bus
the facts may be slightly changed by now.
the whole thing may have changed
but i want u to know what i thought. cuz its all about my thoughts here.

Photoshop

My Photoshop Masterpieces~!
lol
yea
today, ive been on an icon and desktop making spree
it was pretty fun
XD
using all my new brushes and fonts.
too bad my winrar stopped working in the middle
otherwise
im sure i could have made more today
= =
aish
owellz
better luck tomorrow~
-Tainted